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This week we are super excited to have Elana Gloger as a guest on Grad Chat to talk about Tackling Academic Mental Health. Host of the Dear Grad Student Podcast, Elana Gloger joined Linda to chat about her experience of isolation in grad school, how isolation from identity can also tie into this and some tips for combatting! Who is Elana Gloger? Elana is a brand new PhD Candidate in health psychology. She is also the creator, and host of the amazing Dear Grad Student Podcast. Where can you find her? You can find Elana at @elana_gloger on Twitter. Also make sure you check out the Dear Grad Student Podcast on Instagram (@deargradstudentpod), Twitter (@DearGradStudent), and on their website! Elana's episode is available on the PhD Balance YouTube and on all major streaming platforms including Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Overcast & Google Podcasts (And more!) Just search "Grad Chat" on your favourite podcast streaming app! Don’t forget to subscribe for notifications about new episodes!

In the opening lines of Bukowski’s novel Post Office, he writes “It began as a mistake.” He never intended to spend years in a menial and thankless job, yet there he was. Every day dying inside a little bit more. The job cost him a part of his soul. My road to academia “began as a mistake” and has also cost me more than I intended. Academia has cost me everything. I took a wrong turn somewhere and I have never found my way back. We all make choices and each of them open doors in different directions. I made a choice one day to walk into academia with full force gale winds at my back and in that choice, I sadly left behind everything that was truly important to me. Unfortunately, those losses were only recognized after a very slow burn. The kind of changes that occur gradually are not recognized right away because we are living in them day to day. There was not a dramatic or instantaneous switching of the mindset, but a very slow mental shift that allowed for permanent rewiring of emotions and priorities. One day, I just realized I was different. I lost myself, my identity, and in that I have allowed important life relationships to become deprioritized, and ultimately lost into the ether. It was not an intentional choice to lose it all. I had all hopes that academia could be a happy work/life balance. I convinced myself it was, so many times. I was so naïve. The loss of myself occurred more rapidly but the loss of everything else took much longer. We burn many candles in our lives, keeping flames lit for many reasons. Most of my candles are struggling to stay lit and those flames, once extinguished, will be the ultimate price paid for walking through that door, so many years ago. Contrary to many academic experiences, I was relatively happy during my PhD. Sure, there were down times, it was stressful, and I certainly went through the phase of looking for a “real” job during that time. Honestly though, when I look back on it now, what I realize is that I never actually took it too seriously. I approached it as seriously as I needed to in order to be responsible, but never so much that I let it control my life. I realize now, I never really wanted, or needed, the PhD. It was simply the next logical step after undergrad. Plus, it allowed me to not have to punch a clock while using my brain in the process. I do not adhere very well to the nine to five mentality, and I never understood why we are taught and conditioned to accept working more hours in a day than we are typically awake. In this thought process, grad school appeased me. I could come and go as I pleased, as long as I did my work. I could set my own hours. It was a sweet deal, in my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, I very much enjoy working on scientific problems, learning new topics, and especially troubleshooting assays, but I could do all that on my own time, and I enjoyed that. Everything seemed right in the world during the PhD. That door felt like the correct choice. PhD done. Check. Now let’s stumble forward. Job offer in Germany, in the field I have expertise? Yes please! Move the family and remove ourselves from all our support systems? OK. Scary? Yes, but exciting and exhilarating. I know now that this was the wrong door. This was the beginning of the long burn that has lasted for over 11 years and continues to this day. I quickly realized that this thrilling new job was different. Everything was now very serious. I honestly realize in this moment of writing that my PhD was just not that serious to me. The post doc however was the big time, the show, and I needed to straighten up and walk the walk. When I did this, day in and day out, I slowly killed the self I knew in my previous life. In those first months of that position, I decided to ultimately let academia control my life. I took everything seriously to the point that I no longer had fun. No fun at all. Not at work, not at home, not anywhere. I completely lost the person I was. I now feel so disconnected and lost from that person in the past that I don’t even know who that was prior to moving to Germany. Who was I and what did I actually want in life? I can’t even remember. I was conditioned to be a lifelong academic during my postdoc and in that process, I left myself, friends, and family relationships to wither while I consumed research in every waking moment of the day. To be clear, I knew something was wrong. I was never happy during this pursuit of academic greatness. For some god forsaken reason, I had to prove my intelligence and worth to my PI. I didn’t feel that way with my PhD advisor, but this was different. In that pursuit to prove myself I became anxious and moody, and altogether an unpleasant person. All this, for an advisor that was also so focused on the prizes that they forgot how to be supportive. I, too, forgot how to be supportive to my people. I chose my advisor over my people. (Writing that previous sentence just cut me to my core.) I spent 5 years in Germany slowly killing all recognition of my inner self and, unknowingly at the time, setting the stage for the fracture of the most important relationships in my life. I hunted for that prize so intensely that I lost sight of all other things in my life. I let everything fall to the back as an afterthought and only gave homelife as much energy as what was in my reserve tanks. I was always on empty because the academic used all the gas. There was nothing left to give at home. I wasn’t taking care of myself. If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others. I won the prizes though. I wrote and received a two-year fellowship. I published in the journal Science. First author, no less! Should have enjoyed that right? No. It was completely cheerless because I had forgotten how to live. I had forgotten how to enjoy myself. My anxiety was so strong, and I was so wound up that I experienced nothing anymore. After the acceptance of our big paper, I just started to work on the next projects. Postdoc done. Now, let's stumble again. I received a tenure track position back in the US and I am currently still there. I was already conditioned to let academia control my time, so I just continued the cycle. Leveling up just means more responsibilities. We always think, “when I get the degree everything will be better,” “when I get that promotion, I will finally be able to relax.” What lies we tell ourselves. For the past six years I have let academia continue to consume me and destroy every other beautiful thing I hold dear. Once again, I won the prizes. I wrote and received a NIH grant, and I was awarded tenure with promotion. Should have enjoyed that right? No. It was just another honor to add to the list. No joy. No celebration. Nothing. Just another day in academia and now I can change my title to Associate Professor. Oh, guess what, that comes with more things to do. Academia has beat me. I lost a major battle in those years during my postdoc that has been the slow decline of a war that I will ultimately not win. No matter what happens in my current job I have lost in my personal life because of it. No matter what accolades I have achieved, I have lost because I let it strip me of my ability to see what I was letting go in order to achieve it. I lost myself and therefore I lost everything else. I recognize this now, however; the sad part of this is, I had to be shown myself in a mirror. I had to have something I truly love, respect, and admire yanked away from me in a brutal reminder that I have become lost. Unfortunately, the path back will ultimately not lead to the same place I diverged. Things are different now. Academia has stolen from me, not only my own self-worth, but also those who held high ground on my personal island. I am redefining my academic pursuits and finding myself once again. Therapy is the starting point. Boundaries are essential. But as I slowly remind myself of who I am, I am torn apart by knowing I let academia come between the relationships that were most important to me. In the end academia will stay the same but my interconnections that I destroyed along the way will never be the same again. My entire academic career has been a series of missteps. I have simply tumbled forward into whatever presented itself next. Whatever was the path of least resistance is where I have ended. I never wanted any of it. I never had any distinct plan or desire to want to “grow up” and be a professor. Yet here I am. Everyday dying inside a little bit more. I use academia now to teach my students to be fully aware of its inherent viciousness and try to break the cycle of “you must go through what I went through.” It should not be so anxiety inducing. The biggest question for me now is whether to stay or go. While I love my students, I do not love academia. We have a very strained relationship and those are the ones we have to let go in order to fully move forward. It might be time to burn my academic life to the ground and see what grows from the ashes. Thank you so much to Bryan (@ThePersnicketyDoctor on Instagram) for sharing his story. If you'd like to submit a story or piece, anonymously or named, fill out our google form or email us at email@phdbalance.com

This week we are super excited to have Zoë Ayres, PhD as a guest on Grad Chat to talk about Tackling Academic Mental Health. Academic Mental Health Advocate, Zoë Ayres, PhD joined @NotesByNiba to chat about why academic mental health matters, her mental health journey and how her mental health posters started! Who is Zoë Ayres, PhD? Hi, I'm Zoë Ayres, I am a scientist and in my spare time I am also an advocate for #AcademicMentalHealth. During my PhD, I experienced mental health concerns for the first time. It was during this period I realised the stigma that still surrounds mental illness, the lack of awareness of issues that might affect mental health in academia, and the lack of tailored support for PhD students. I work to improve conversations and resources for grad students around mental health and amplify the voices of others to build a picture of managing mental illness in academia so that we can identify problems and work towards changing the research culture for better. Where can you find her? You can find her @ZJAyres on Twitter and on her website. You can also find more about Voices of Academia on Twitter @AcademicVoices. Zoë’s episode is available on the PhD Balance YouTube and on all major streaming platforms including Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Overcast & Google Podcasts (And more!) Just search "Grad Chat" on your favourite podcast streaming app! Don’t forget to subscribe for notifications about new episodes!

Stronger Together is content from PhD Balance that started in July 2020. In January 2022, we are putting an end to an era. But do not fret! Content for #PhDStrongerTogether will still be archived on our website, and our Discord is still available for everyone to join (link in bio)! ❤️ Everyone at PhD Balance is so excited to show you what we have planned in 2022.

This summer, I made the difficult decision to quit my PhD program. A program that, just a few years ago, was my dream. I changed my mind, and that's okay. To be clear, I am in no way advocating that PhD students who are having doubts or facing challenges rush to quit. In that case, no one would ever finish a PhD. Literally. Every PhD student I’ve met has had doubts at some point. Nor am I in any way trying to devalue the important research and skill sets PhDs bring, both inside and outside academia. To complete a PhD, you must create new knowledge. It’s a significant accomplishment and should be treated as such. What I AM advocating is that you have the courage to: 1. Look inside yourself 2. Evaluate whether the career path you’re on gets you closer to what you actually want from life 3. And then align your actions with what you discover Angela Duckworth’s book, Grit, has a powerful message: “Grit is a key ingredient to success.” And her story is inspiring. But I was equally inspired by Susan David, Ph.D.'s words earlier this year: “We need to know when to grit and when to quit. The capacity to walk away from existing goals when they no longer serve us can be courageous, smart and strategic." Those are the words that guided the decision to leave my PhD program. In other words, make sure you are “gritting” for something worth “gritting” for. And only YOU can decide what that is. Of course, everyone's situation is different. For many people, a PhD can open doors to their dream career. But for me, a PhD just wasn’t worth it. I realized that I could create my dream career without one. Thank you so much to Emily (@emilysteliotes on Twitter, @mygoldenacorn on IG and twitter) for sharing her story. If you'd like to submit a story or piece, anonymously or named, fill out our google form or email us at email@phdbalance.com

Meet this week's Grad Chat guests, Dr Kaela Singleton and Dr Ubadah Sabbagh! Dr Kaela S. Singleton is a Black, Samoan, Queer developmental neuroscientist and postdoc in Dr Victor Faundez's lab at Emory University. Her research focuses on the cellular and molecular signals that control neuron development in normal and disease states. She is also an adjunct faculty member in the Biology Department at Agnes Scott College and President-Elect and Co-Founder of Black In Neuro. In her short time as a postdoc, Dr Singleton has earned four years of research funding from NIH, the prestigious Burroughs Wellcome fund postdoctoral enrichment fellowship, published four manuscripts, given fifteen invited seminars, and spoken on twenty-plus panels on mentorship and DEI initiatives. Through social media and public outreach, Dr Singleton hopes to promote representation and accountability within the scientific community. Outside of lab, Dr Singleton can be found cheering on the Georgia Bulldogs, listening to pop-punk music, or being the Beyonce of Neuroscience on Twitter. Ubadah Sabbagh, PhD, is a neuroscientist at the McGovern Institute at MIT, where he is a postdoctoral associate in Dr Guoping Feng's laboratory. Dr Sabbagh attended community college for three years before transferring to the University of Missouri–Kansas City, where he earned his bachelor's degree in biology. He later earned his PhD in Translational Biology, Medicine, and Health at Virginia Tech, where he studied connections between the eyes and the brain. Outside of the lab, Dr Sabbagh is heavily involved in science outreach, advocacy, and policy. He co-founded and serves on the Board of Black In Neuro and has written extensively on topics at the intersection of science and policy, with articles published in the Washington Post, Scientific American, and other international publications. His contributions have been recognized with multiple awards, including most recently being named to the 2021 Forbes 30 Under 30 list. You can find Dr Singleton on Twitter and Instagram (@kss_phd on both) and Dr Sabbagh on Twitter (@neubadah). Dr Singleton and Dr Sabbagh will join host Liesl Saturday (12/11) for Grad Chat at 3 pm Eastern/12 pm Pacific to talk about Transitioning to a Postdoc. Catch the live stream using this link! Alternatively, you'll be able to catch up on the episode on Grad Chat, The Podcast published next Tuesday (12/14) here!

Meet this week's Grad Chat guest, Dr Heloise Stevance! Originally born and raised in France, Heloise moved to the UK to study Physics and Astronomy at the University of Sheffield. After working as a support astronomer at the Isaac Newton Group in La Palma for a year, she obtained her Masters of Physics in 2015. Heloise subsequently started a PhD studying the 3D shape of Core Collapse Supernovae, and earned her title in Spring 2019. In July of that year, she joined the University of Auckland as a Research Fellow to research the evolution of massive stars to better understand how they die and produce Supernovae and Kilonovae. Heloise also started public outreach work during her doctorate studies, in early 2016, and has not stopped since. You can find out more about Heloise on her Twitter (@sydonahi) and website (hfstevance.com) Heloise will join host Linda tomorrow (12/04) for Grad Chat at 3 pm Eastern/12 pm Pacific to talk about Recovering from Academic Abuse & Bullying. Catch the live stream using this link! Alternatively, you'll be able to catch up on the episode on Grad Chat, The Podcast published next Tuesday (12/07) here!

What are your last-minute preparations/routines before giving a talk? We asked our editors just this! Here is some of their advice! There are situations that make us nervous and/or excited, but we know we would do best if we were relaxed and at ease instead! This might apply to presenting recent results in the workgroup, giving a talk at a conference, reaching the big thesis defense, or getting *that* job interview—it's a quite common situation to be in. Find here some tips how we, the PhD Balance editors, approach such situations. First, there are the basics: Check that the technical stuff is working. Have all needed papers/notes ready. Go to the toilet. Have some water close by. These strategies help presenters feel confident that their set-up is prepared and that they will feel physically comfortable while presenting, but there are so many other steps we can take to support ourselves as we prepare for a talk. Here, we suggest a few things that may help keep you grounded: Ensure that you have multiple file sources of your presentation. You never know what sort of technical glitches may occur. Be sure that you print, email, and save your presentation on a USB stick. Withdraw to a calm place for a few minutes to find focus and breath. Doing some light movements or stretching (e.g. shoulders and neck) can be helpful. Arrive early so that you can inspect the room. Are you on a stage? Is there a podium? How large is the room? Where is the screen in reference to your speaking position? Knowing the room layout can help reduce some anxiety and help you determine any last-minute planning for how you deliver your talk. Do you gesture a lot while speaking? Perhaps you could try holding a pen or pencil to avoid moving your hands too much and distracting the audience from your talk. Twirling a rubber band or a paperclip can also work. Walking around during your talk can keep you from being obviously jittery. If there is room and the situation allows, consider moving from side to side on the stage (but don’t overdo it, or it could become distracting). Is the talk virtual? If so, ensure that the room where you give the talk is quiet and has a good internet connection. Ensure that both the microphone and webcam are working properly. Much like point three, arrive early and understand the virtual format beforehand. If the presentation is online/at home: have something comforting, out of the camera's sight – a favourite picture, grounding fragrance, cosy blanket/wool socks. Provide yourself with a welcoming space that makes you feel relaxed. Do not focus on negative feelings or thoughts of delivering a bad presentation. Try to imagine how it will feel after you have successfully given your talk. Big thanks to our editors Laura, Bryan and Ignacio for putting together these tips! If you'd like to submit a story or piece, anonymously or named, fill out our google form or email us at email@phdbalance.com

PhD Balance is looking for new volunteers to join our global team! We are a collaborative community that seeks to empower grad students. Although you may not see all our amazing volunteers, it takes many people to create our all our content & resources and keep us running! Why volunteer? Learn new skills while advocating for mental health Help us create community for grad students! Make new friends from around the globe! Want to become a volunteer? Email us at email@phdbalance.com! Team job descriptions: Social Media Our social media team is responsible for: Running the PhD Balance social media accounts (Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn) Creating campaigns and graphics Running the PhD Stronger Together Discord server and Events (e.g.) Co-working DMs & the PhD Balance email account Grad Chat Our grad chat team is responsible for: Scheduling guests Overseeing takeovers Advertising episodes Hosting/tech support during shows Post-show audio/video editing and transcription. Want to become a volunteer? Email us at email@phdbalance.com!

For many, the upcoming holiday season is a festive time at the end of the year celebrated with loved ones. However, the season can be difficult for those who live in the absence of someone close and dear. Dealing with the pain of loss can be isolating and devastating, even so when that loss was at the price of taking their own life. International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day aims to promote community and support to those who have lost someone to suicide. Occurring on the last Saturday before US Thanksgiving in November, this year’s event will be held on November 20th, 2021. This day provides a space to grieve for those who need it before heading into the festivities at the end of the year. As grief is experienced differently from person to person, several resources are available for survivors of suicide loss. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) holds several events worldwide open for anyone to attend. You can find locations as well as other resources on the AFSP website at https://afsp.org/international-survivors-of-suicide-loss-day. Also check your local crisis center to see if an event is taking place.

Today, November 20th 2021, is Transgender Day of Remembrance. In the year 2021, 375 transgender and gender-diverse people were murdered - a 7% increase from 2020 and the deadliest year on record. The average age of those killed was 30, and a quarter (24%) of those murdered were inside their own home. Murders of transgender people in the USA doubled in 2021, from 28 to 53. The top three countries are Brazil (125), Mexico (65), and the United States (53). The majority (96%) of those murdered were transgender women. Today, we honor the lives lost to anti-trans violence.

Transgender Awareness Week Activist Grad Chat Spotlight! Over the course of their graduate experience, Schuyler (they/them) has felt very alone as a result of their identities and values. As a result, they’ve been actively involved in numerous efforts to provide a support network for those with marginalized identities in STEMM. Schuyler is truly an amazing example of a trans advocate and activist. Listen to their podcast episode on all major podcast networks! A full-text transcript of this episode is available via google doc. Schuyler's episode originally aired on October 30, 2021, and was uploaded to our podcast network on November 2, 2021. You can watch the Youtube video using this link! Alternatively, you can catch the episode on Grad Chat, The Podcast published next Tuesday (11/02) here!