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The first semester of my Ph.D. program commenced with a weekend gathering of incoming Ph.D. students. The nature of the program itself is theological. We met with each of our professors, became oriented with the university, and began to discuss potential dissertation ideas amongst the group. During the Saturday evening meeting, a dialogical approach was employed by our program director as we shared our educational backgrounds, various life experiences (as we saw fit), and dissertation interests in round-robin conversation. Coming into the meeting that evening I was just trying to make a good impression during an extended amount of time around the group. I had been diagnosed with bipolar I disorder in 2000. I had not fully accepted my diagnosis until 2008. When I did accept my diagnosis in 2008 an opportunity for an educational track opened and I trekked a bachelor’s degree program and a master’s degree program to the Saturday evening in 2018 in the Ph.D. program introductory weekend. As others shared unique stories of their lived experiences for me there was a majority of lived experience “not on the table” to share that evening – anything about my bipolar diagnosis or my bipolar lived experience. I had chosen not to self-disclose my bipolar I disorder diagnosis on a broad scale from the time I accepted it in 2008 through 2018. Yet, an intellectual and personal “safe space” was made available by way of conversations via the expression of life story and vision in the Ph.D. program throughout the opening weekend. For some reason, I am still coming to grips within a positive sense. I wanted to open some of the experiences including the bipolar experiences that are a part of my human experience or the way I navigate life. I made a phone call early that next week to my mother to discuss the pros and cons of self-disclosure with the program director and the rest of my peers. My mother supported me either way in the decision to self-disclose or not to self-disclose. I decided to self-disclose. For me, this wasn’t only an intellectual journey it was a spiritual one as well. As I revealed to my program director my bipolar diagnosis in that first week I was met with openness, gentleness, and positivity. This was the result I was hoping for. Surprisingly my program director mentioned I might contemplate a dissertation enveloping bipolar experience. I was not only accepted, I was also affirmed that bipolar experience is ripe dissertation terrain for academic research. It was that week I also shared with the class my diagnosis so they could understand my scholarly worldview better as well as the unique perspectives and experiences I “bring to the table” within the field of practical theology a field itself delving into all kinds of lived experience. This is a story of navigation. In a highly dialogical Ph.D. program, as a person with a bipolar I disorder diagnosis, my contributions in round-robin conversations could sometimes be with rapid and pressured speech. Sometimes I interrupted others and didn’t mean to. My program director, professors, and my peers in the program were understanding. They also were open to creative expression. Sometimes, I could be a bit more poetic than others or become passionate about certain topics in the classroom. On the other hand, I would at times take an anti-anxiety medication prescribed to me just before class (according to the label or in other words as needed) so I could slow down my speech and corral my thinking to more efficiently in contributing to the good of the group. I discovered I would have to exercise my willpower to be fully present in the classroom due to the drowsiness caused by the four different medications as a cocktail I have been taking in various dosages since 2008. I also discovered I had more energy at certain times during the day to write papers with more focus and clarity than others. I successfully defended my prospectus in July 2021 and am currently in chapter five of my dissertation writing. It has not been an easy journey, nor do I believe anyone with or without a mental health issue has an easy journey in a Ph.D. program. I take this severe mental health diagnosis seriously, yet I identify as a person with a mental health diagnosis rather than a person as a mental health diagnosis. That is, with medications, counseling, a good support network and some level for resilience bipolarity may in some cases work to my advantage pointing me at times like a compass in the direction of some of my positive dimensions and utilizing storytelling as helping others to cope and even succeed. __________________________________________________________________________________ We thank Andrew McCarthy (email:andrewj1971@gmail.com, Twitter: @AndrewJ2023 ) for sharing this story with us. Hope you enjoyed and gained something from it! If you would like to share your story with us, please write to us at email@phdbalance.com.

How to start small talk and break the ice with peers and professors at your school and conferences While scientists can talk at lengths about their research, establishing that connection with a person is daunting. I initiate a conversation by asking a question related to our current situation. It is my way to gauge how willing a person is to talk as well as invite them to a conversation. For example, asking a fellow colleague how they liked the topic discussed after a seminar. You can even ask someone what they think about the food and drinks offered at a social gathering. I find that asking a question pertaining to them starts a conversation. The questions I ask are broad because it allows for a wide range of responses. While the goal is to start a conversation, it also allows them to exit if they need to do so. It is important to understand that it is not solely your fault if your conversation does not last more than a few seconds: the other person may not be ready to talk as they may be preoccupied with other things or just uncomfortable.

Robin Sharma says: “Time management is life management.” Time management is considered to be one of the most essential skills for graduate students. Almost all of those who work in academia have a long list of to-dos and tasks that must be accomplished in a short time. So, if one doesn’t look for methods to accomplish as much as possible in their 24 hours, little by little, their lives will get out of their control. These results in a cyclic trend, potentially causing anxiety and unproductivity. Tons of time management advice seems helpful for us as Ph.D. students, but we discuss two of the most practical ones that usually change the level of productivity if implemented in one’s day-to-day life. 1. Eisenhower matrix Most of us remember the nights before exams as well as the nights before due dates we stayed up to finalize assignments. What happens in our mind and life that leads to such a situation? According to the Eisenhower Matrix, our to-dos can be categorized into four groups: urgent and important, not urgent but important, urgent but not important, and finally, not urgent and not important. Based on this classification, the "urgent and important" tasks like finalizing an assignment in a night are those "not urgent but important" ones you have postponed for a long time. Then, they have accumulated and resulted in a crisis. The main point in time management is to define those "not urgent but important" tasks considering your long-term goals and plan to make time for them. If you do this, the "urgent and important" list will get shorter compared to today's list! However, when scheduling your time, "urgent and important" tasks should be considered top-prioritized ones to which you have to dedicate the first hours of the day. On the other side of this matrix, you have "urgent but not important" ones like teaching a beginner how to find a research paper or responding to emails and messages that won't affect your life if you delegate or push them back. Don't bother yourself with these tasks, and make sure to avoid overshadowing your main to-dos with them. Finally, you have "not important and not urgent" ones. Scrolling Instagram or Facebook, Watching Netflix or YouTube are of this category. Unfortunately, most of us spend the more productive hours of our days doing such things while being unconscious about ourselves! Sometimes the only thing we need is to consider is that "we are doing something" to avoid doing the main tasks, and this is why we frequently check our inbox or social media, even if we know there is nothing new! To avoid this, you can rethink and review your fears, for you can recognize the influential factors that control your life. After discovering the obstacle, you have to look for the methods to overcome and get through the challenge! As a quick tip, you can hide your phone and put it somewhere out of your sight until you finish doing whatever you have to accomplish! Since these tasks don’t need your concentration, you have to refuse or postpone doing them until you find free time after checking off your higher priorities on the to-do list! 2. Time Blocking on a digital calendar After preparing your matrix, it is time to block your 24 hours considering your priorities. First, you need to scan your life hour by hour for about a week and write down the time you have spent for all you have done in a journal. After a week, it is time to review. This journaling process will give you a better insight that acts as a foundation for your daily plans and schedules; Because you will notice your good and bad habits, sleeping time, productive hours as well as the total time you waste during a day! Now you need to pick a calendar. Based on personal preferences, one may choose a physical or digital one to organize their life; However, digital calendars have helpful features, especially when setting alarms, reminders, and trackers that make them inevitable. Also, they are user-friendly and in sync with all your digital tools that you can access your plan for the day whenever and wherever you need. The most critical point in time blocking is to dedicate the first hours of your day to the “urgent and important” tasks. You have to block out your rest and free time as well. Also, it is necessary to set the alarm for 1 or 2 minutes before each of the blocks, then you will get a notification on your desktop, and you won’t get confused thinking “what to do next” during the day. The other point is to set a time for unexpected work or tasks that you may receive from your professor, department, and family to feel more comfortable with your daily plan. In each of the blocks, you have to focus and avoid interruptions until you finish. The process of time blocking your week may take two or three hours on weekends, but since you have already thought and planned the days, you will stay on top of everything. Also, you will rarely miss a meeting, class, or deadline, which is crucial in graduate school. Neda Vardast

Written by Didi Bedou The unpleasant and strong emotion caused by awareness or simply anticipation of pain, harm or even danger, follows you constantly through your journey to becoming a Ph.D. The above statement is indeed controversial, therefore let me guide you through my thoughts to explain the full meaning behind the statement. When you completed your masters degree and competed for a doctoral researcher position on a research team you probably faced these emotional questions, asking yourself: Is my presentation good enough to be part of this team? Did I perform well in the interview? Hopefully, I can understand and answer all the questions raised by the hiring professor correctly? Then, eventually, you earned your ticket to join the team. Although, you are super happy and glad that you made it, soon enough you probably caught again this emotion of pain and doubt. For instance, a part of your project is not working as planned. Now you are fearing, will my peers understand my struggles and help me? How can I possibly explain these struggles to get the support I need to keep going? This is followed by the burden of being ranked upon the success of your work. Despite your full commitment to your thesis, you may not be able to bring your project to the finish line as first planned. You may even need to switch the project’s direction because the initial direction turned out to be a dead end. You start doubting yourself, your capabilities and competences. The fear becomes so strong that it is shifting your mind-set, paralysing you. Here is the way out: Don't let fear take control of you! The aforementioned is easier said than done. However, there is a solution and I would like to share it with you. If your working environment is not a place where you can allow your vulnerability to show then do not! That is unfortunate, considering that we spend more time at work with colleagues than we wish to spend with friends and family. Nevertheless, it can be bypassed. How? Lean on your family and friends and open up with them. They are more than capable to help and to understand, sometimes you may be surprised! Also, give yourself breaks to take some distance from all of it and work on your feelings and emotional wellbeing. This work, you can choose to do it with family and friends who know you better or seek professional help. There is no shame in seeking help or advocating for your best interest. If you do not do it yourself, nobody will do it for you! Once you are back to your work environment, watch out for yourself and notice when and how to keep yourself going and also when and how to stop. You have to seek out this balance for yourself and I can assure you that this is not going to affect your productivity negatively. Since I am mentioning the term productivity, let me briefly define it here: personal productivity is measuring the rate of output per unit of time. The quality and the quantity of your output are depending on your physical and mental state and wellbeing. Finally, do not lose your perspective for your first passion. If you are on this Ph.D. journey, it is probably because you like the research in the first place and you have a hunger to learn and to discover. Do not let fear kill your flame. Look for your balance, fight for it, cherish it and you are more likely to again enjoy what you are doing.

Written by Ellen KW Brennan Your advisor does not have to be your only mentor. There. I said it. In fact, I’ll go even further to say that your advisor *should not* be your only mentor. However, how do we find other mentors? The relationship between advisor and student is one of the most important aspects of graduate school. A good relationship can make everything easier, while a bad one can make everything harder. Yet what took me three years into my PhD to realize is that one mentor-mentee relationship, no matter how good, still may not be enough. In my case, I realized that my current career trajectory was not what I wanted, and the field I planned to enter was outside that of my advisor’s. To learn more about this new field and the careers I might pursue, I had to find mentors in that community. In other words, while my advisor was indeed a phenomenal mentor, I needed other sources of mentorship as my PhD experience progressed. There are many other cases when one mentor won’t feel like enough, too. Perhaps your research project takes an unexpected turn, and you begin using new techniques outside the repertoire of your current advisor. Or perhaps your advisor is great for research, but you want mentorship from someone who shares some of your identities. Or, in the worst case scenario, your advisor is not a good mentor, and you want guidance from someone with your best interests at heart. Beyond these examples, there is this simple point: If we acknowledge that research and discovery benefit from the input of a wide variety of people and perspectives, then why would we fail to recognize that our personal development can benefit from the same? Simply put, having a team of mentors supporting you is stronger than one single advisor. So how do we find other mentors outside of our advisor’s bubble? Here are the top tips I learned for finding mentors that were not part of my advisor’s network: Figure out what you need in a mentor. Is it career advice? Personal? Research? Just a space to feel comfortable and supported? Once you know what your current mentoring is missing, it’ll be easier to identify what can fill those gaps. Attend professional development and/or wellness workshops hosted by your university. Often, the people leading these workshops *want* to help---that’s why they assemble the workshops in the first place! Connect with them after the event to see how you can engage further. Maybe they can be a mentor, or perhaps they know someone else who is likely to meet your needs. Go to conferences that host the types of mentors you are looking for. Conferences are bustling places where collaborations and networks are formed, so approaching someone you have not worked with before is normal here. It might still feel awkward or scary, but the environment supports these spontaneous conversations. You got this. Is there a professor or faculty member you’ve met who makes you feel comfortable? Great! Ask them to be a mentor. It doesn’t matter if their research or career is related to your goals. Having a person at your university who is in your corner and can provide a comfortable space is valuable. Look to other students! Faculty aren’t the only people who can provide quality mentoring. Other students can be excellent sources of support and knowledge, and they might even connect you to a new network of potential mentors you hadn’t considered. Is there someone at your university who has a career you’re considering? Or doing research you’d like to explore? Ask them for an informational interview! Even if they don’t become a long-term mentor, you can learn valuable insights about your next steps from these informal conversations. Talk to the support staff in your program! Program staff are there to support every single member of a program, which means they also know the program better than anyone else. If there are specific resources or people who would be able to better support you, the staff are often the most likely people to know. Hopefully, these tips provide ideas for where you can start your search for more mentorship. Remember, graduate school is about finding *your* path as a professional in your field. Explore everything that excites you, and soak in the knowledge and experiences of others. The Ivory Tower may sometimes feel like an intimidating place, but there are always those who would be happy to help you navigate your path. Now you just need to go out and find them.

Disclaimer: Most of my experience in this topic involves US-based institutions. While some parts may be universal, please check with your local funding agencies for specific instructions. Funding is necessary for supporting any type of research. As a graduate student, securing funding for your own studies demonstrates initiative and a drive for independence. While many funding opportunities are competitive, there are multiple avenues open to researchers at various career stages. Finding these sources is a whole endeavor itself. Utilizing your network can help reveal potential places to apply and provide critical insight into the entire grant writing process. Where should you start? I have listed several sources down below that may offer guidance in your funding search. Ask your Graduate Mentor. Funding is vital to run a lab, and your mentor has ample experience in applying for funding. At least in the US, the graduate funding application process is similar to that of senior investigators. Your mentor may provide valuable tips in your search. Their own network may reveal potential topics of interest that coincide with your project, which may increase your chances of receiving funding. Ask fellow graduate students. Your colleagues may also be searching and applying for grants. Senior graduate students in your lab may know some helpful tips as: where to send applications and how to start the process. I have found being in a writing group with my fellow graduate students helpful, and provides a safe space for exchanging ideas. These sessions can be conducted virtually or in-person as frequently as you need. You can even join the PhD Balance Discord and see if other members are willing to join along. Ask your graduate program/institution. Another resource that is available to graduate students is their graduate department. While graduate departments may differ from each institution, they exist to help maintain your graduate program. Internal funding through institutional or even departmental funding may be available to those who qualify. Your institution may also allow graduate students to access large funding databases, such as Pivot, opening access to more sources of funding. Ask funding agencies. Government agencies, such as the National Institute of Health (NIH) and the National Science Foundations (NSF), are the main sources for research funding within the United States. One important person to contact is the program officer. This individual reviews prospective project proposals to identify promising research that aligns with the agency's overall vision. Talking to a project officer within your research field about your future grant application can provide valuable guidance on shaping your application. Depending on the funding agency, finding a program officer can be done through the agency's website. If in-person interactions are allowed, project officers often attend scientific conferences. They are willing to schedule a meeting to chat about projects. Ask your scientific societies. Conferences usually are sponsored by scientific societies and offer travel grants to cover the overall costs such as lodging and registration. Scientific societies are organizations focused on furthering the understanding of a scientific topic, including the development of junior researchers. Therefore, these societies may offer developmental grants for graduate students in their discipline. Find a scientific society related to your research topic to consult. Ask vendors! While this may sound strange at first, several scientific companies do offer funds in the form of travel grants to conferences. Since their primary consumers are researchers, investing a bit in their consumer base benefits them in the long run. Several companies may also offer grants that fund the costs to use their services based on what project adheres to their vision. Funding is essential to science and therefore is very competitive to receive. There are many sources to receive funding, even from unconventional places. Grant writing will be a necessary skill as you move forward in your academic career. It demonstrates your ability to communicate your ideas and vision for your research.

Personal story submitted to us kindly by Snehal Jamalpure (she/her) Yes!! You guessed correctly. My PhD experience is aptly described in the title. The one thing that I always remember is the phrase "Cross all the t's and dot all the i's," thanks to my meticulous supervisor. In a brief glance, my supervisor could spot all the alignment issues, grammatical errors, and sentence construction flaws. I used to wonder if Grammarly would take care of it. So, what's the big deal? As a result, my article was painted entirely in red. Anyone who has dealt with MS word track changes will understand. Every line of my report/proposal was highlighted, paraphrased, and improved to make it more concise. Throughout my research journey, I've had the impression that conducting well-designed experiments is more important than the technicality of how it's communicated. And I was completely wrong and naive. That's what I've finally realised. Science communication, whether in the form of a technical article or a scientific paper, is akin to telling a story. Accuracy and simplicity are critical to science communication. I'd like to share some important lessons I've learned. With the hope that this will assist newcomers in navigating their path in science writing. W – Write succinctly, without ambiguity. You must hold your reader's hand and guide them nicely to what you have done and achieved. R- Read aloud. My supervisor used to make me read every single line so that I could listen to it and decide whether or not it could be improved. This exercise helped me pay attention to every word and improved my clarity, fluency, and comprehension I- The importance of introduction cannot be overstated. It's similar to showcasing a movie; if the opening is good enough, the audience will stay with you until the end. T- Tense. This rule wins hands down. Understand when to use which tense. Don't mix it up. I- Is there any agreement or disagreement with the previous work? Look for areas of agreement and disagreement with what others have done in your field. Agreements will strengthen your work, while disagreements will add an additional dimension to it. Both are beneficial. However, make the comparisons between your data and existing studies. When writing a paper, don’t just collate the data. N- Nitty gritty details from your protocols are critical. Yes, indeed! I'm referring to materials, methods, and results. They are important for people who commend your work and want to replicate it. Take note of molarity, percentages or any metric system. Our peers may have difficulty reproducing the experiments if these minute details are not properly conveyed. Basically,the purpose of scientific writing is to communicate scientific information clearly. Having incorrect, ambiguous, wordy, and redundant protocol defeats the purpose of the writing. G- Get that creativity punch. Yes, use attractive phrases in the titles or introduction. That makes your article an interesting read. It works as bait to lure your audience in. I'm still learning and relearning the art of writing, and I'm having fun with it. And, as they say, what appears to be expertise is often meticulous preparation.

Can you remember that day, a long time ago, when you stood up on your feet and performed a couple of trembling, insecure steps for the first time? No? Me neither. But there are numerous narratives from my family members, describing that revolutionary moment and how I landed with my face against the floor shortly after. A few years and many experiences later, I find myself in a quite similar position: Doing a PhD in cancer research. On every step of the way, smaller or bigger challenges await. And what history has taught me so far, is that you need to face each step ahead as a toddler. With excitement and courage despite your fear of the unknown. After all, as a PhD, you are asked to think in the same visionary way as a toddler who can picture a paper plane actually reaching the sky. You are asked to create universes that never existed before. Frequently, while in the lab performing experiments, I find myself silently singing 'Highway to Hell' by AC/DC. I don’t know whether this song comes to my mind because the tempo and the rhythm keeps me energetic and focused or because, after a busy day in the lab, I actually feel like I’m in hell and the lyrics speak directly to my soul. Perhaps the impostor syndrome has struck you too. There are days when you may feel completely useless, not ready to bear the responsibilities, less smart and qualified than the rest of your peers. Remember that you are not alone. Thousands of PhDs have the same fears and agonies as you. A PhD is not a stroll down the park where every 100 meters you find yourself shouting “Eureka”! Nevertheless, remember that whatever you contribute to your field does matter. Even the smallest progress adds up to a big result. Don’t be afraid of failure. It is rough seas that make the sailor. Speaking of rough seas, since I started my research career as a PhD, I observed that I would feel exhausted, stressed or have the blues more frequently than I used to (and it’s not only because I’m an early ‘90s kid simply getting older). After discussing it with other colleagues who felt the same way, we attributed this to the constant pressure caused by our job’s high demands. What I found out along this journey is that the worst thing you can do when you feel tired or run down, is to ignore the signs, hide the elephant beneath the carpet (well, labs don 't have carpets but you see where this is going) and stick to your schedule. What you may simply address as “a rough day, week or month” may actually indicate signs of Generalized Anxiety Disorder or depression in some cases. So please listen to your body and seek help for any physical or mental issues you may face. Your community should support you and always put your health as a priority. As you may have noticed by now, all the different challenges you may face can be solved based on the same core idea: Communication! Share your problems, don’t be shy or feel guilty. Everything comes down to a state of mind. Being part of a team. Feeling supported. And by all means, celebrate every small step, every small victory and be proud of what you’ve accomplished. No child gave up on walking after falling down a dozen times. When I started thinking and acting like this, instead of considering myself bound to the holy duty of being unbroken, I found out the most important part of being a scientist. Among those geeks with the white lab-coats, I discovered my tribe. I made friends and I shared ideas that made my research better in quality and my everyday life more enjoyable. The story that I chose to share today may not have been the most impressive. . You will find no fancy prizes, glory or heroes here. But you might actually find yourself among these lines. A strong and weak, healthy and sick, happy and sad, excited and scared, imperfect but committed human. Someone who wants to make the world a better place, no matter how high on the ladder they currently stand. A winner also when seemingly defeated. A PhD!

Are you lazy or are you tired? This question came up during one of my therapy sessions 2 years ago, and it has made me more aware of my inner monologues. I didn’t know, or maybe I was in denial, that I started showing symptoms of severe burnout. I didn’t think I deserved to be burned out. I didn’t feel like I was working hard or accomplished enough to be tired. The thing is THESE ARE THE EXACT REASONS WHY I’ve become burned out. I started therapy after a traumatic experience in my first lab. Aside from the manipulation and psychological abuse from that lab, I’ve realized that I also have internalized bad working habits and unhealthy mindsets from all of my academic life. The pressure to do more and to appear to be more productive pushed so many students into depression and burnout. In 2018, a study from UT Health San Antonio published in the journal Nature Biotechnology showed that graduate students are 6 times more likely to experience depression and anxiety compared to the general population. This was not the first and only story on the topic of grad students’ mental health. It’s becoming more evident that there’s a strong prevalence of mental health issues in grad students. I don’t think I have to explain to grad students why we have such poor mental health. Because grad students are expected to be productive 24/7, we can be seen by our mentors and other faculty members as “lazy” if we go on a vacation or don’t work on the weekends. Every time I’m not in the lab, I feel lazy and unproductive, regardless of whether or not I actually have something to do. Even when I was away, I could never stop thinking about work or checking my emails. I could never ignore the thoughts of what my mentor and other people at school would think of me if I wasn’t in the lab. It took a lot of work (and I still have a long way to go), but I started to learn how to properly rest my body and my mind. And it all started with that question: “Are you lazy or are you tired?” It’s really bewildering to me to see so many people in medicine and science don’t take stress seriously when stress produces a hormone that can have physiological effects on our bodies. It makes us fatigued and increases the risks of other health problems. This makes me wonder why we turn off the equipment in the lab to extend their life but wear out our irreplaceable bodies. After that conversation, every time I catch myself thinking that I’m lazy for wanting to rest or sleep more, I ask myself these questions: Did I get the number of hours of quality sleep that my body needs? Did I eat a good meal or did I mindlessly chomp down fast food while trying to get more work done? Did I exercise? Have I had quality time with friends and family recently? How long has it been since I made time for my hobbies? So, grad students, are you really lazy, or are you just tired? We thank Thu Duong for submitting her story! Find her on Instagram (@the. science.promoter) If you'd like to submit a story or piece, anonymously or named, fill out our google form or email us at email@phdbalance.com

Can you tell the difference between your feelings and your emotions? These two terms are often used interchangeably. But while one – feeling – simply describes the perception of an event with your senses, the other – emotion – encompasses cognitive and motivational processes, too, that finally lead to a specific behaviour, e.g. smiling. Feeling is a neurophysiological process. According to several similar theories, there are a few, basic feelings that occur worldwide, are independent from culture, and universally expressed and understood. E.g. Paul Ekman defines the following seven basic feelings: Joy, surprise, contempt, disgust, fear, sadness, and anger. Emotions are the conscious experience of these bodily sensations. That means they are based on both, on feelings as well as on a person's previous experiences in life and beliefs about themself or the future. Thus, emotions are more complex than feelings. #PhDStrongerTogether #AcademicMentalHealth #PhDLife #GradStudentLife #GradSchool #NormalizeMentalHealth #MentalHealthMatters #TakeCareOfYou

This story was submitted to us by Aurore Bochnakian (aurore.bochnakian@gmail.com) about her experiences doing a PhD in France! Hi everyone! This is a story about how I stood up for myself and my struggling friends in the lab where I did my PhD. I did my PhD in a wealthy Research Institute in France, where scientific integrity is paramount, and labs have money to do whatever experiments they need! A place full of bright minds and experienced researchers. Virtually research heaven. I was young, naïve, and too friendly, and I didn’t know how to defend my interests and how not to fall prey to manipulative PIs. You guessed it, that’s what exactly happened. I will not go into details, I would need a 400 page book for that, but in very short, we had a PI whose brain size was only equivalent to his gaslighting abilities. Big. Enormous. He would lie to our faces, talk about the university with disdain, not read your manuscript, and think he was above every rule in the country and the Institute. He used to yell at people, threaten them with unfavorable letters of recommendation, and try to enforce made-up rules that are against the law. We even had someone faint from stress when talking to him and had people cry in his office regularly. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting. Like most Ph.D. students, I was feeling burnout. I tried to bring up the major issues with the committee evaluating the progress of your PhD (it was constituted of other PIs of the Institute), and the only advice they could give me was: “clench your teeth, you’re almost done; one more year and you are out”. There was nothing on protection for me and the others in the lab, nothing on potential measures, it was as if they knew but chose to do nothing. That was heart-wrenching! People who were supposed to help were not doing anything. I was always vocal about the issues in the lab, and so was everyone else in the lab. So much that it came to the right pair of ears, and that person told me that as long as no one filed a formal complaint, there was nothing they could do, even if they knew that things were wrong. So, I and another colleague did it, and the whole machine started moving. There was an investigation, a very incriminating report, and the university I was in stopped giving him students, only for him to turn to another university to get more. Oh well! At least I gained something from my PhD, and it’s the ability to say “enough” and go to the right people to fix a situation. No PhD student has to suffer at the hands of their supervisor! If you are in a situation like that, you have plenty of resources to help! Your university, your mentors, other PIs, and if necessary, you have to be ready to file a formal complaint to get things moving. Do not let the system protect itself! No one will stand up for you! If you don’t do it first, you will not get results!

Everywhere I go, imposter syndrome accompanies me. Through each accomplishment, it has been right by my side to question whether I deserved that success. Afterall, it was probably just luck. Maybe I’m still too close to the PhD experience to know the secret of taming imposter syndrome, but I’m beginning to wonder if it’s not about confidence or accomplishment at all. It doesn’t matter what I accomplish or how capable I am because I never think it enough for the space I occupy. Recently, I had the pleasure of lunch with a former mentor one year post-PhD, and I told them how I still feel completely unqualified in these spaces I’ve worked so hard to claim. Here I am at the helm, yet I offer the wheel to whoever walks on board rather than steer the ship I built. To my surprise, this senior faculty and amazing researcher admitted they often feel the same, even when they’re the expert in the room. It wasn’t exactly the grand answer I was hoping for… Since that lunch, I’ve been stuck on how we can tame imposter syndrome and whether there’s any hope for me at all. Imposter syndrome tells us that we don’t belong. It tells us we don’t know enough, aren’t smart enough, or aren’t good enough. We hear these insults inside our heads, but maybe we just aren’t listening the right way. When it says, “you don’t belong,” it could be reminding us that we can make these spaces better. When it says, “you aren’t smart enough,” it’s simply saying we have the opportunity to always learn. From that same perspective, maybe feeling unqualified isn’t always a bad thing, either. We should be constantly learning from the people around us and building on our skillset. It’s important to recognize all we’ve accomplished, yet it’s equally important to earn the space we occupy each day rather than take it for granted. So maybe taming imposter syndrome isn’t about confidence; it’s about believing we can always improve. As academics, it is our job to pursue the unknown. We don’t know enough, sure, but that means we’re simply positioned to always learn and discover. With some practice, maybe my imposter syndrome can become the reminder that keeps me growing rather than the bully that holds me back. __________________________________________________________________________________ Thank you to Ellen Wixted and Deborah Joppi for the graphic for sharing her experiences. If you'd like to submit a story or piece, anonymously or named, fill out our google form or email us at email@phdbalance.com